Kind of funny when you think about it. Some days I feel old others I think I am just starting out in life and feel so young.
**long raw and personal post ahead**
Let me be real and a bit raw here for a minute. I am closing in on 52 years old! And in a way I am starting my life over--you see I left my husband of 19 years about a year and a half ago. When I left I felt old--I felt like my life was more than half over and it was what it was--I felt like I would never be any of the things I had once dreamed of. Don't get me wrong--I was blessed to be a stay at home mom with my son and I would not trade that for anything in the world--but as he was getting older and not around so much I began to think of what I would do with ME--and I felt like there was not much choice--it was a bit too late. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and Sojourns and I was always tired and aching. Most times I was ok with the fact that it was what it was--my life was not miserable. My husband was not a horrible person--at least not since he got sober about 10 years ago--he let me do what I wanted--he worked hard and paid for everything--he never told me no to anything I asked for--I had a home, a new vehicle, money to do what I wanted. I didn't have to work so the sickness and tiredness were not interfering with that--I could just sleep if I was tired. I kept myself busy with church, crafts, friends, my son's school and volunteering where I could. But .........
...you knew that was coming, didn't you?! But, I no longer felt needed. I felt like I could just disappear and no one would notice. I was lonely, my husband and myself had not been "together" in a romantic way since my son was born--I kind of just figured that the rest of my life would be like that--and I pretty much resigned to it--after all I am too old to be doing anything else, I am too old to look for LOVE now--I am fat and too old to look good anymore--I am too sick to go back to work--and what would I do anyway--I used to work in the restaurant/bar business and AGAIN I am too old for that! So by now you are probably wondering what the heck is wrong with me--why was I not happy--what was my problem? It seems that I had it made right? Well here is the problem--I am a very open and loving person--I love to be held--I love to spend time with people that I love--I enjoy being complimented--I love to feel needed and wanted. And none of those things were happening--EVER! My husband did not support me in anything--he didn't say don't do things --but he didn't encourage me--most of the things he would say to me were negative--I don't finish anything I start--I do everything and I mean EVERYTHING wrong--I should have done this, or that--getting a little chunky there aren't you--this is my house, don't let the door hit you on the way out--I pay the bills around here--blah blah blah--There is a lot more to it than this and maybe someday I will fill you in on more but for now it just doesn't have anything to do with the point of this story -- which is that I felt too old, sick and useless for anything.
So right before I turned 50 I saw decided to do a challenge at a local gym that says loose 20lbs in 6 weeks for FREE! They do these groups every 7 weeks or so but this one was going to start right on my 50th birthday--on the very day I was going to turn 50! I am not sure what it was about it but I thought I am going to do it! I am going to get thin and look good and be loved and everything will be better. I know it will.
That FREE challenge is more like a BET--you put up $500 and if you lose the weight you get your money back--if not you don't! You have to follow their eating plan--workout at their place six days a week, and post on social media every time you are there so they can get more participants for next time around. So of course, I was convinced this was the answer--this was going to change things--so I put up the $500 and gave it a shot! It was pretty hard--the eating plan is tough--crazy actually--but the goal is to lose 20 pounds--not to get healthy! So for 6 weeks I followed this to a tee--I was on point with everything! Gave it my all--even though I fell on the ice and hurt my wrist and head--I continued to do everything I could. At the end of the challenge/bet I was getting a bit nervous--I was really afraid that I was going to fail by only a few ounces! I was literally sick thinking about it. $500 is a LOT of money to fail! I remember saying something to my husband about being afraid and his response was "of course it is going to cost me $500--I don't know why you did it to begin with--you never follow through with anything--whatever!" I as so hurt--I just wanted to hear how proud he was of me--I wanted to hear that I looked great--I wanted to hear that even if I didn't make it I did great, I wanted to hear him say--you can do it! But none of that was said--I cried myself to sleep that night--which may have been a good thing as the next morning when I got on the scale I had done it! I did lose the weight--I did get my money back--and I looked and felt pretty good too! I remember sending a text to my husband saying....
Unfortunately, it did not make everything better--it did not make our relationship better--deep down I knew it wouldn't--so in the next few weeks I began putting that weight right back on--it didn't really matter anyway, right? The diet plan was so unrealistic that it came back really fast--I didn't let myself gain it all back but added five or six pounds back in just a few days. It did feel good to have people tell me I looked great though and I didn't want to gain it all back--then I would be a failure to everyone--not just my husband. So now I felt more pressure--more negative voices from my own head--more anxiety--and all those things make my fibromyalgia go crazy! So I felt like shit too.
Fast forward a few months and I am taking my son to a bowling event with our church--I was going to just drop him off and go but for some reason I decided to go in for a bit. I hadn't paid for his bowling yet so I figured I might as well do it now instead of later. So I go in and find that I have to get change to pay Brian (our youth director). I walk to the bar to get change and while I am waiting for the barmaid to come over I notice an old friend sitting at the end of the bar. Someone who was very important to me way back before I got married. Someone who I really cared about and really enjoyed spending time with back then. We have only seen each other a few times since I got married because my husband did not like our relationship. The times we did see each other would be in Wegmans or Tim Hortons or something of that nature. We would chat for about 5 minutes or so then go our own way. I would always think what if for days after but that was all. So now I see him at the end of the bar and I am not sure if I should go say hi or not. Each time I would run into him I would always be afraid to say hi--afraid he would tell me how happy he was--or that he was now married--or something like that. Sounds crazy I know--it has been 19 years for gosh sake. But I just knew that it would bug me when it happened. I did go say hi and we did chat for a bit. I actually hung out for the whole time my son bowled and we just talked and laughed and had fun. He told me I looked great--he said he was sad to hear that things have not really changed at home--he asked about my son--he said he was not dating anyone at the time--other than that we just talked about all kinds of stuff--it was like it used to be--we laughed and really talked about things. I felt like not a day had passed since we hung out before. So comfortable with him. So sad....I left and thought about him for days--but thought that would be it. It was the end of May when this happened and his birthday is April 4th--I gave in and sent him a text on his birthday--just said Happy Birthday, I hope you have a great day! I think in my heart I knew it was a can of worms that should not be opened--but I chose to do it anyway--
Once the can was open we began to talk on the phone a lot--something we used to do a ton--and even met a few times at the park to go for a walk--which by the way kicked my butt with all the hills and he walked so fast it was crazy! During those conversations I began to think that maybe I was not all that bad--maybe my life did not have to just be what it was--maybe I don't have to just settle--maybe instead of thinking my life is half over I need to remember I still have half my life to LIVE! Maybe I am not too old to change things! Maybe I can still have goals! Maybe life really is what I chose for it to be--and maybe just maybe I will chose to change my life! So before it went any further I took that leap of faith and told my husband I was leaving....(more details on this at another time)
I just want to let you know--that all of this is true!
You are not too old.
You are not too out of shape.
You are not too far gone.
You do deserve to feel good!
You are worth it!
You can do it!
You can have goals!
Dream it!
Desire it!
Make it happen!
Don't let a day go by when you are not living the life you want!
You are in control!
No one can stop you--except YOU!
Believe me--I am not telling anyone to leave their spouses--I just want you to know that you and or others are filling your head with things that are
NOT TRUE!
By healthy I mean mind body and soul!
The best you that you can be!
Love you guys!
Mary Jo
